What We Talk About When We Talk about Rape
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- Create Date：2021-05-19 11:56:11
- Update Date：2025-09-07
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- Author：Sohaila Abdulali
- ISBN：1912408066
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Summary
In the tradition of Rebecca Solnit， a beautifully written， deeply intelligent， searingly honest—and ultimately hopeful—examination of sexual assault and the global discourse on rape told through the perspective of a survivor， writer， counselor， and activist。
Sohaila Abdulali was gang-raped as a seventeen-year-old in Mumbai。 Indignant at the silence on the issue in India， she wrote an article for an Indian women’s magazine questioning how we perceive rape and rape victims。 Thirty years later her story went viral in the wake of the 2012 fatal gang rape in Delhi and the global outcry that followed。 In 2013， Abdulali published an op-ed in the New York Times called “After Being Raped， I Was Wounded; My Honor Wasn’t” that was widely circulated。 Now， as the #metoo and #timesup movements blow open the topic of sexual assault and rape， What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape is a brilliant and entirely original contribution to our understanding。
Drawing on her own experience， her research， her work with hundreds of survivors as the head of a rape crisis center in Boston， and three decades of grappling with the issue as a feminist intellectual and writer， Abdulali examines the contemporary discourse about rape and rape culture， questioning our assumptions and asking how we want to raise the next generation。 She interviews survivors whose moving personal stories of hard-won strength， humor， and wisdom collectively tell the larger story of how societies may begin to heal。
Abdulali also explores what we don’t say。 Is rape always a life-defining event？ Does rape always symbolize something？ Is rape worse than death？ Is rape related to desire？ Who gets raped？ Is rape inevitable？ Is one rape worse than another？ How does one recover a sense of safety and joy？ How do we raise sons？ Is a world without rape possible？ Both deeply personal and meticulously researched， What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape is a rallying cry and required reading for us all。
Sohaila Abdulali was gang-raped as a seventeen-year-old in Mumbai。 Indignant at the silence on the issue in India， she wrote an article for an Indian women’s magazine questioning how we perceive rape and rape victims。 Thirty years later her story went viral in the wake of the 2012 fatal gang rape in Delhi and the global outcry that followed。 In 2013， Abdulali published an op-ed in the New York Times called “After Being Raped， I Was Wounded; My Honor Wasn’t” that was widely circulated。 Now， as the #metoo and #timesup movements blow open the topic of sexual assault and rape， What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape is a brilliant and entirely original contribution to our understanding。
Drawing on her own experience， her research， her work with hundreds of survivors as the head of a rape crisis center in Boston， and three decades of grappling with the issue as a feminist intellectual and writer， Abdulali examines the contemporary discourse about rape and rape culture， questioning our assumptions and asking how we want to raise the next generation。 She interviews survivors whose moving personal stories of hard-won strength， humor， and wisdom collectively tell the larger story of how societies may begin to heal。
Abdulali also explores what we don’t say。 Is rape always a life-defining event？ Does rape always symbolize something？ Is rape worse than death？ Is rape related to desire？ Who gets raped？ Is rape inevitable？ Is one rape worse than another？ How does one recover a sense of safety and joy？ How do we raise sons？ Is a world without rape possible？ Both deeply personal and meticulously researched， What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape is a rallying cry and required reading for us all。
Reviews
Amanda Sloan
，
Honestly essential reading for every person on this planet。While it covers a heavy topic， it's written in an easily digestible way。 Like talking to your best friend。 Honestly essential reading for every person on this planet。While it covers a heavy topic， it's written in an easily digestible way。 Like talking to your best friend。 。。。more
Kaitlin Reagan
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Sohaila Abdulali has written a book that is incredibly honest， incredibly intimate， and effortlessly authoritative。 the voice of the book is analyzing where we are at in our fight against rape culture， and in the same breath， we see all the ways that humanity got us here。 despite all the truth that Abdulali lays out for us， we are not left without hope。
Translator Monkey
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This is the second time I've read this book。 The first time was through a free digital ARC extended to me by the author， publisher， and NetGalley， for which I am incredibly grateful。The first time I read this book， I found the opening pages unsettling and haunting。 The matter-of-fact， almost detached manner in which Abdulali lays down the circumstances leading up to and following her own rape， as well as the violent act itself， made it no less daunting a read。 It isn't her desire to spare us the This is the second time I've read this book。 The first time was through a free digital ARC extended to me by the author， publisher， and NetGalley， for which I am incredibly grateful。The first time I read this book， I found the opening pages unsettling and haunting。 The matter-of-fact， almost detached manner in which Abdulali lays down the circumstances leading up to and following her own rape， as well as the violent act itself， made it no less daunting a read。 It isn't her desire to spare us the details of her emotions， it is her ability to （eventually） come to terms with what happened， and reconcile （without apology） her actions afterwards。The author goes to great pains to try to help define just what rape is。 We already have our home-grown or law-based understanding of rape， but it varies when you cross borders， and it changes based on a number of circumstances。 With each small grain of the final definition， she has to provide examples that will make the reader extremely uncomfortable - she recognizes this， and challenges the reader to explore where the discomfort comes from。The book is devastating in its description of vicious attacks and the impact those attacks carry。 It is surprising in its ability to offer humorous asides， with absolutely no disrespect to victims or their memories。 It is painful to read， difficult to process， but important。 The fact that it is the 21st century and such a book is required to educate is tragic。 I cannot recommend this book enough。This book should be required reading in every middle school or junior high school。 。。。more
Ellie Pretsch
，
YES。 YES。 Adulali says ALLLLLL the words I want to scream at the world。 She speaks the truth that so many women are either unable or too afraid to say aloud。 Not only does this go into details about the various ways we （women that have been raped） feel after surviving rape， but she also goes into the various responses we have to others that are triggered by PTSD。 I wish I had this book to give to all of my previous boyfriends。 She also discusses multiple ways that we can prevent rape-almost all YES。 YES。 Adulali says ALLLLLL the words I want to scream at the world。 She speaks the truth that so many women are either unable or too afraid to say aloud。 Not only does this go into details about the various ways we （women that have been raped） feel after surviving rape， but she also goes into the various responses we have to others that are triggered by PTSD。 I wish I had this book to give to all of my previous boyfriends。 She also discusses multiple ways that we can prevent rape-almost all of which center on you men。 Please be better than those who have come before you。 And discusses the various stupid arguments that rapists make for raping。 One of my favorite quotes:“Rape is not sex。 If you hit someone on the head with a rolling pin， it’s not cooking。”I appreciate that this book spares no details。 Often the pain， violence and effects of rape are glazed over。 They're made more manageable for others。 But FUCK。 Rape is rape and it's not something gentle that should be wrapped up in a hankie so that you can deal with what happened to me。 Thank you Sohaila Abdulali for laying it all out on the table。 This should be a book everyone reads。 Especially younger people。 Young women so they are less trusting。 Young men， so they know not to rape。 。。。more
Kiran Hegde
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An eye opener。 Everyone should be made to read this book。 Can be part of higher secondary school reading book。
Heather-Jo Didrichsen
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Should be read by anyone who identifies as human。
Gina
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A short but REALLY important read。
Chelsie
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Stories about rape and discussing how society talks about it。 In some places a tough read due to the nature of the topic but very informative。 Fave quote:“We are not perfect， and we can make poor decisions。 But the only ones responsible for sexual assault are those who choose to rape”
Arun Pandiyan
，
I wept。 I felt sad。 I paused several times to think。 And， I was deeply moved when I finished reading this book。 Twice in my life， I happen to converse with victims of sexual harassment and violence。 I didn’t know how to react， as I watched their teary eye piercing through my heart， imploding my epinephrine to run far away to a distant world where there was no such bestiality。 But， yet I listened to them， as they narrated it。 What could I have done？ How could I have responded， so it would have ma I wept。 I felt sad。 I paused several times to think。 And， I was deeply moved when I finished reading this book。 Twice in my life， I happen to converse with victims of sexual harassment and violence。 I didn’t know how to react， as I watched their teary eye piercing through my heart， imploding my epinephrine to run far away to a distant world where there was no such bestiality。 But， yet I listened to them， as they narrated it。 What could I have done？ How could I have responded， so it would have made them feel better？ This book taught me that the greatest thing you can ever do for a victim is just to be there and listen。In this book， author Sohaila Abdullahi， a living rape victim managed to narrate her own life experience of surviving an assault and rape when she was seventeen， seeking further interest in studying the reason behind rape and moving on to write her undergraduate and postgraduate thesis on rape。 She delves into wide ranging perspectives， analysing rape laws in many countries and their cultures。 The stories narrated by her were ordeal and makes one uncomfortable reading them。 But as Sam Harris once said， “you pay a price for discussing taboo topics， but it’s important to。” You may be a liberal or a conservative。 Why do discussing about rape gives you an unwarranted discomfort？ Sohaila points out that the tradition， patriarchy， custom and culture as a sole determinant of how we think and talk about rape， forgetting that it is also a violent crime committed by one human on another， but with much serious repercussions and trauma。 She writes in introduction:‘Rape drains the light。 And， along with draining light from victims’ life， it tends to drain light from sensible conversation。 It’s the only crime to which people respond by wanting to lock up the victims。’While portraying the different rape cultures prevailing in Middle East， Africa， West and other parts of the world， this book also illustrates the Indian society’s perception about rape until 2012， before Nirbhaya。 The 1972 Mathura’s story， where the judiciary pronounced the rapists as ‘not guility’ acted as a jump start for anti-rape movement in India， getting women organizing and marching in streets。 The 1992 Banwari Devi tragedy paved way for the ‘Vishaka Guidelines’ which further translated into first sexual harassment law。 Twenty years later， the Nirbhaya horror became a watershed moment because firstly， we had a radical conversation around rape and most importantly， we as citizens of this country acknowledged rape and wanted to hold the leaders accountable for it。 Just ten days after the crime， Verma Committee which had a thirty day deadline submitted its report。 We have enough scientific data suggesting that capital punishment does not deter any form of crime and the committee was not carried away with the public outrage suggesting chemical castration or killing of the rapists in public。 For the first time， a report addressed the rampant sexism and discrimination that sullied every nook and cranny of Indian life， making it an astonishing document。 Until then， we blamed the victims for her choice of dress。 We still do， while forgetting that men always have a choice between decency and domination。 This book addresses every such delicate shading of victim blaming and shaming， sexism， male entitlement， patriarchy， power and objectification which act as key enabler for rape。I’m a liberal democrat。 I believe in democratic constitutionalism。 I believe in constitutional remedies and legal empowerment。 But when it comes to gender based violence， I indubitably agree with the author that， ‘change begins at home。’ She writes，"Until rape， and the structures – sexism， inequality， tradition – that makes it possible are part of our dinner table conversation with the next generation， it will continue。 Is it polite and comfortable to talk about？ NO。 Must we anyway？ YES。 You do not lose innocence when you learn about terrible acts; you lose your innocence when you commit them。 An open culture of tolerance， honesty， and discussion is the best way to safeguard innocence， not destroy it。……。serving your son first like a good mother doesn’t mean you condone rape; making fun of lady drivers doesn’t mean you condone rape; saving for your daughter’s dowry doesn’t mean you condone rape; saying 'boys will be boys' on playground doesn’t mean you condone rape。 But each of these chips away at women’s and girls’ self-respect， and gives boys permission to feel a little more entitled， little more important， a little more as though they have a free pass to maraud through the world and take without thinking。 If we want our children to be decent human beings who respect others and themselves， we have to tackle notions of masculinity and feminity。"‘Unputdownable’ is the word I would use in order to rate this book because I consider this book to be an eye-opener， quintessentially exploring a crime which is often unspoken in Indian scenario。 The essay on ‘consent’ is must read for everyone in order to understand the importance of one’s right to bodily integrity and autonomy。 While it is important to discuss these topics in home， public forums and social media， trying to inculcate these essays into academics at least in undergraduate level is even more important to make the upcoming generation explore such vital topics to manifest a cultural shift in gender norms and behaviours。 ‘If we can expose our children to talk of genocide， racism， waxing and the inevitable melting of the planet， why should we leave out sexual abuse？’ The author’s take on intersectionality and the overlooked nuances of class needs to be re-read in order to understand how various forms of inequality often operate together and exacerbate each other when it comes to sexual abuse。Often times， I am asked by people， ‘What’s the purpose of reading so many books？’ I politely reply them， ‘TO APPLY’。 As Epictetus said， “If you don’t learn these things in order to demonstrate them in practice， what did you learn them for？” But as I finished this book， I realised the truth that， the more we discuss， the more we learn。 The more we learn， the more we can change。 In order to be part of the change， everyone should read this book 。。。more
Michelle Grant
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4。2 Great book！ Very well written and very imformative。
Mark Robison
，
The thing about this book is I laughed quite a few times during it。 The author is wonderful， like a wise and witty protector and mentor who has seen some serious stuff。 She was gang-raped in India as a teen and wrote a magazine article about it when she was still young。 When the world expressed outrage after the 2012 gang-rape in India of Jyoti Singh， who later died of her injuries， the article was resurrected and suddenly she became the go-to expert in the media about it。 So， in other words， al The thing about this book is I laughed quite a few times during it。 The author is wonderful， like a wise and witty protector and mentor who has seen some serious stuff。 She was gang-raped in India as a teen and wrote a magazine article about it when she was still young。 When the world expressed outrage after the 2012 gang-rape in India of Jyoti Singh， who later died of her injuries， the article was resurrected and suddenly she became the go-to expert in the media about it。 So， in other words， although she never wanted to be defined by her attack and tried to move past it， here she was being defined by it。 And she does it with humor， grace， and understanding。The book is told in very conversational first person as the author talks about rape and her experiences reading about， talking to， and working with rape survivors around the world。 I would recommend this book wholeheartedly to anyone who wants to know more about rape — but， of course， no one does， do they？ But I found this book essential to developing an understanding of violence and gender in society， which， to me， is something you should try to do if you think those are important。Two things among many things that stuck with me from the book:First， in all the books on sexual violence I've read， none has talked about the fact that many survivors have horrible dental hygiene。 Afterward， they often grind their teeth from stress and they don't go to the dentist because they don't want to be helpless in a chair unable to speak while someone inserts things in their mouths。Second， she talks about the damage caused by sex education in the United States where sex is presented as painful and not pleasurable for girls。 She uses the example of the case where Brock Turner sexually assaulted a young woman at a college party in California。 Two men from Sweden —where they received comprehensive， pleasure-based sex education — immediately recognized that a semi-conscious person being dragged behind a dumpster was not consenting and interrupted what was happening。 The author compares this with Stubenville where a girl who was blackout drunk was raped and one boy testified that he hadn't seen anything wrong with it， but then he didn't really know what rape was。 There's a failing of the American education system if young people have not been taught to recognize rape。Anyway， the book is fabulous — especially nice for having a more expansive than just the United States。 A few excerpts to jar and to give a feel for the book:* In the US， more than ninety percent of people with developmental disabilities are sexually assaulted。* Sharia law requires the eyewitness evidence of four grown men to prove rape。* “Rape is not sex。 If you hit someone on the head with a rolling pin， it’s not cooking。”* Marital rape is not considered a crime in thirty-eight countries， including India， where the Research Institute of Compassionate Economics reports that the vast majority of rapists are the victims’ own husbands。 In September 2017， the government of India actually spoke out against outlawing marital rape。 Government lawyers stated that making it a crime would destabilize the institution of marriage， and that we shouldn’t blindly follow the West in these matters: husband harassment might become a real problem。 We should concentrate instead on things like poverty。 。。。more
Nívea Muchon
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Um assunto difícil de se digerir porém essencial。
Eliza
，
This book will make you angry， and rightfully so。 A book I think every man should have to read。
Freya Haeger
，
I cannot express enough how much I needed this book
Shibin k
，
WHAT WE TALK WHEN WE TALK ABOUT RAPEWritten by India's first survivor to talk about Rape， Sohaila Abdulali Do we talk about rape？ We don’t and that's the problem。Forget rape， do we talk about sex， about relationships， about interactions with the opposite sex？ Of course not。 Which is why this book is important， If I had to put into words， this book is the conversation about rape that I wish someone older and more mature had had with me or I could have with someone younger。 The good thing is， now WHAT WE TALK WHEN WE TALK ABOUT RAPEWritten by India's first survivor to talk about Rape， Sohaila Abdulali Do we talk about rape？ We don’t and that's the problem。Forget rape， do we talk about sex， about relationships， about interactions with the opposite sex？ Of course not。 Which is why this book is important， If I had to put into words， this book is the conversation about rape that I wish someone older and more mature had had with me or I could have with someone younger。 The good thing is， now we can。 Through this memoir/self help manual， Sohaila Abdulali， a rape survivor and head of a rape crisis center， shows us just how frankly we can talk about sexual assault without coming across as brash or insensitive。 It doesn't seem like an easy conversation。 This is one of those books where you can just sit at a dinner table with your family or friends and start by saying， "I just read a great book titled What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape & I feel that everyone should read it！"Talk about an ice breaker。 。。。more
Irati Egaña
，
Es un libro que me ha costado en parte leer por su crudeza pero que es totalmente necesario que todo el mundo lea。 Tanto hombres como mujeres。 Habla de la violacion en todo su conjunto。 Me ha gustado mucho como trata el tema y el hecho de que todo sean diferentes testimonios。 Leedlo， por favor。
Repix
，
Interesante y duro。
Athena
，
4。5/5Extremely difficult subject matter approached with thoughtfulness and kindness。 I appreciate that the author discusses communities that are often neglected in these conversations， such as sex workers and members of the LGBTQ+ community。
Radha
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So ya？ What do we actually talk about when we talk about rape？ Do we actually sympathize with the victim？ Do we know the actual fear and pain of the victim？Written by Sohaila Abdulali， a survivor of a rape case， the title aptly suggests what the book is about。 Sohaila was gang raped in Mumbai when she was 17 year old。 The prevailing conditions during those times in India made such topics a taboo to discuss as it was believed it bought shame to the girl's family and so Sohaila wrote an article fo So ya？ What do we actually talk about when we talk about rape？ Do we actually sympathize with the victim？ Do we know the actual fear and pain of the victim？Written by Sohaila Abdulali， a survivor of a rape case， the title aptly suggests what the book is about。 Sohaila was gang raped in Mumbai when she was 17 year old。 The prevailing conditions during those times in India made such topics a taboo to discuss as it was believed it bought shame to the girl's family and so Sohaila wrote an article for an Indian women’s magazine questioning how we perceive rape and rape victims。 Thirty years later her article went viral after the outcry of the 2012 delhi gangrape。 Several events followed after that #metoo #timesup movements to bring the matter of growing sexual assaults into light。 As the head of the rape crisis centre in Boston， Sohaila went into depths， interviewed many and poured her heart out in the book。 She brought up many issues which should be addressed in any nation。 Is rape always a life-defining event？ Does rape always symbolize something？ Is rape worse than death？ Is rape related to desire？ Who gets raped？ Is rape inevitable？ Is one rape worse than another？ How does one recover a sense of safety and joy？ How do we raise sons？ Is a world without rape possible？ May it be a boy or a girl， no one is safe in this cruel world without fear。 As a girl myself I've always lived in fear， though we girls dont show it。 But the fear is always there。 Whether it be going to a shopping mall， an evening walk or another city，！ For the ones we try to create awareness about rapes on social media， those people arent even on these platforms。 I cant even imagine how brutally those people behave towards an 8 month old。 Like how can you even rape such a small being！ I was so astonished reading that news。 And I am astonished everyday while reading every piece of news on rape。 I cant even😭😭I'm in such a desperate hope to live to that day when these things come to a stop 。。。more
Victoria （Latte Nights Reviews）
，
Wow。 This book。 This book was so good， but so difficult to read at times， and I could only read a little bit at a time。 The discussion on rape and rape culture is so important， and I think this is an informative read。
Ana Claudia
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O título fala por si mesmo。
Jenny
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Should be read by everyone！！
Jodie Hall
，
4。5
Madelon North
，
Important if you are able to read it。 An obvious trigger warning。 My only thing is that it’s a little bit focused on the binary。 But there are acknowledgments that men can also be victims。
Bhavesh Mehta
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I was not expecting a book on Rape to have a tinch of humor。 But with her wits and wisdom Sohaila conveys the word that we all need in the present circumstances。 A word of hope and persistence。
Caroline
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4。5 out of 5 starsA difficult book to read at times because of the subject matter but honestly an incredible read。 Nice to read a book about sexual assault that was less focused on the US。 She writes clearly about her own experiences and the work she has done with victims and as an advocate。 Really great book。
sofia
，
this is a book that EVERYONE should read。。。。 a hard read， but a very necessary one。 '' （。。。） having sex is like a cup of tea。 If you wouldn't force someone to drink tea， why would you force them to f*ck？ If someone said they wanted tea， and then changed their mind when you made it， would you pour it down their throat？'' this is a book that EVERYONE should read。。。。 a hard read， but a very necessary one。 '' （。。。） having sex is like a cup of tea。 If you wouldn't force someone to drink tea， why would you force them to f*ck？ If someone said they wanted tea， and then changed their mind when you made it， would you pour it down their throat？'' 。。。more
Eilish Jones
，
What a book！！ So infuriating in such a calming way。 Abdulali speaks openly and honestly about her own experience with rape and how it completely altered her life in ways that are to be expected and ways that are not to be。 Quite easily my favourite chapter was "Your rape is worse than mine" which speaks on the way as humans we are doomed to compare and categorise experiences - e。g。 violent rape being worse than marital rape - and how that is damning for everyone involved because each experience What a book！！ So infuriating in such a calming way。 Abdulali speaks openly and honestly about her own experience with rape and how it completely altered her life in ways that are to be expected and ways that are not to be。 Quite easily my favourite chapter was "Your rape is worse than mine" which speaks on the way as humans we are doomed to compare and categorise experiences - e。g。 violent rape being worse than marital rape - and how that is damning for everyone involved because each experience is as bad as the person who experienced it thinks it is。 She obviously delves deeper but this really stood out to me as a huge takeaway from the book。 This book is clearly very personal to the author and really does aim to reshape a lot of the ways we speak about rape。 。。。more
Bahar
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Kitap kısa olmasın rağmen ara ara yükseldiğim için kitabı kenara koyarak sakinleşmeyi bekledim。 Yazar bütün akademik hayatını tecavüz hakkında yazarak geçirmiş olsa da bu kitap sohbet havasında yazılmış。 Tecavüzü birçok yönden ele alıyor ve kendi yaşadıklarını anlatıyor。 Şiddet， özellikle de cinsel şiddetin insanların hayatını nasıl zorlaştırdığını， nelerle mücadele ettiklerini ama en çok da yargı makamlarının tecavüze nasıl sessiz kaldığını ya da tecavüzü yaşanı suçladığına değiniyor。 Sohbet ha Kitap kısa olmasın rağmen ara ara yükseldiğim için kitabı kenara koyarak sakinleşmeyi bekledim。 Yazar bütün akademik hayatını tecavüz hakkında yazarak geçirmiş olsa da bu kitap sohbet havasında yazılmış。 Tecavüzü birçok yönden ele alıyor ve kendi yaşadıklarını anlatıyor。 Şiddet， özellikle de cinsel şiddetin insanların hayatını nasıl zorlaştırdığını， nelerle mücadele ettiklerini ama en çok da yargı makamlarının tecavüze nasıl sessiz kaldığını ya da tecavüzü yaşanı suçladığına değiniyor。 Sohbet havasında olması söyenenlerin ağırlığını ya da acısını azaltmamış。 Avukat Fatoş Hacıvelioğlu’nun yazdığı önsöz de içime oturdu。 Çünkü hem bizim ülkemizdekş istatistikleri vermiş hem de hukukun nasıl tecavüzcünün yanında durduğundan bahsetmiş。 Reşit olmayan bir çocuğa bile rıza soran hakimlerle uğraştıklarını anlatmış。 Beni oldukça etkileyen bir kitap oldu ama aksi de düşünülemezdi zaten。 。。。more
Hima Sarath
，